Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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