Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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