dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
