I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Randomize
