Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
