i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
