I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
