She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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