Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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