Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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