Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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