I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
