Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
