My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
