just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
