I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
