i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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