definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
