I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
