I wish they made helmets for livers.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
