sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
