My friends, they love my intelligence
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
