this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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