Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
