She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
