The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
