her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
