She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
