u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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