We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Dear god my vagina.
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