You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
