i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
