Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
