Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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