Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
