I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
