Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
