I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
