You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My ass is underappreciated
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
