Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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