im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
