i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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