you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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