Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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