I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
