I bet he comes in French.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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