Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
