as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
