Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
