Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
