They should really pass out barf bags in church
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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