Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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