Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
